I have never lost anyone I was that close to...until then. A soulmate. Me and Movie understood each other without words. We were just made for each other and we knew it from day one she was born, as I bred her myself.
I have always wondered why people in films hang on to their beloveds' bodies for such a long time. Does not make sense, right? The person is not there anymore? And here I was doing exactly the same thing, squeezing Movie as if me hanging onto her body would miraculously bring her back to life. But it did not happen.
I tried other things as well... making pacts... with the fate, the world, the god... maybe I could give something away to bring her back? Agree onto something? But this did not work as well.
And then I would ask my consciousness loads of questions, starting mostly with 'why?'. Why did I go there for a walk? Why did I not put her on the lead? Why did it happen to us, we had such a beautiful bond? Wy did she broke the 'down' this time? Why did we deserve that? Why weren't we given more time together? Why hadn't I done this... or that... that would prevent this particular walk from happening? I could wonder for hours, needing to cancel my lessons or classes as my mind was far away from reality. But it did not give me what I wanted as well.
The feeling of guilt has been there with me from now on because I did not manage to keep Movie safe, I failed in being her mum. And I would get jealous of other people...walking their dogs without much control and/or imagination and having more luck than we were ever given.
Or I’d get angry at myself for being so stupid on that day, but also at others lamenting over their dogs’ not having perfect hips, having an injury, knocking poles, not being lucky in Agility competitions etc. thinking ‘I wish I had that sort of problem’.
Nothing would give me what I wanted, and what is sad, I think I really believed something would eventually work. Somehow. One day.
I used to hate people asking me how I am, or saying clichés such as ‘time will help’ or ‘things happen for a reason’. Why would there be a reason for such a thing to happen?
It really does get better with time though, and even though you don’t just ‘get over it’ you grow into some level of acceptance, and start appreciating that this person WAS in your life.
Let us hurry to love our dogs, they pass away so quickly.